Topic: At a loss
I have a close friend whom I shall name "Sarah". Sarah's friend of 10 years killed himself yesterday and for the first time ever I find myself completely useless and at a loss for comforting words.
What can/should I do to help?
Re: At a loss
You're not useless. You're her friend. Be there for her and listen to what she has to say. No one on this earth knows what the correct thing is to say to her in this current situation. No one teaches us how to deal with death or how to consel people on that matter.
But with my experience the best thing you can do is listen to her, give her a hug, make sure she knows that she is loved/cared for, and that you are here for her whenever she needs you. No matter what time or where.
Try to call her on a regular basis and try to take her out so she can at least get her mind off the issue.
Continue being a good friend to her as you always have been in the past.
That is the best thing you can do.
Last edited by jordan (2008-11-13 15:12)
- Killgore9998
- Member
- Offline
Re: At a loss
I would suggest that whatever you end up deciding to do, that you don't push too hard in your attempt to do it.
Some people think they're being comforting, when really all they're doing is failing to give the person space, and pushing their 'comfort' on them so hard that it makes things twice as bad.
If I were you, let her know that you're there, offer to hang out some time, let her know that you're there any time she wants to talk about it. If she doesn't want to talk about it right then, then she'll be able to just say thanks and wait for when she's ready.
When she is ready, or takes you up on your offer immediately, then spend most of your time listening and/or just being quiet. Don't offer your own opinion unless she's expecting it, and in that case say something that will hopefully help her to forgive and move on. If she starts to get emotional then a hug would be appropriate but not until then. The key is to realize that the last thing she needs is to feel like she's being spoken to, or that you're trying to 'fix' her.
What she needs is someone who is going to be 0 challenge to hang out with, who can start the good times coming again as soon as it is appropriate. If you think she's ready, offer to take her out somewhere like a movie or for some food or whatever, something easy and low key. Helping her to be active is key to get her to stop dwelling in sorrow. But only once it's appropriate, though, of course.
Some people need a lot of support and know how to ask for it. Some people need it but don't ask for it. Some people don't need it. You have to take a guess at which she is, and act accordingly.
Although, I've been wrong about this before. I might have just described the best way of consoling a male friend. My wife once told me that in order to be there for a female, you have to be way more engaged. I haven't had much success with that, sorry 
Last edited by Killgore9998 (2008-11-13 15:56)
Well knows he who uses to consider, that our faith and knowledge thrives by exercise, as well as our limbs and complexion. Truth is compared in Scripture to a streaming fountain; if her waters flow not in a perpetual progression, they sicken into a muddy pool of conformity and tradition. A man may be a heretic in the truth; and if he believe things only because his pastor says so, or the Assembly so determines, without knowing other reason, though his belief be true, yet the very truth he holds becomes his heresy.
- Hitchhiker
- Blizzpub Vagabond
- Offline
Re: At a loss
jordan wrote:
You're not useless. You're her friend. Be there for her and listen to what she has to say. No one on this earth knows what the correct thing is to say to her in this current situation. No one teaches us how to deal with death or how to consel people on that matter.
But with my experience the best thing you can do is listen to her, give her a hug, make sure she knows that she is loved/cared for, and that you are here for her whenever she needs you. No matter what time or where.
Try to call her on a regular basis and try to take her out so she can at least get her mind off the issue.
Continue being a good friend to her as you always have been in the past.
That is the best thing you can do.
This is all pretty much spot on.
You're at a loss because there simply isn't anything to say. Some things can't be made better, in moments. It's not a matter of time per se, but a matter of acceptance and progress through the situation on her part.
You being there as a friend, even without "useful" things to say, your friendship helps that progression immensely, even if it seems like it doesn't at the time.
"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions."